I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
