At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I enjoy the company of your penis
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