I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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