She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
No more Irish car bombs ever.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
