News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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