the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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