I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
