Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
