This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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