I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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