so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
