I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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