I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
