No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
