Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Randomize
