You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
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she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
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It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize