Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
