if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
