Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
