im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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