My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
