Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
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The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
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He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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