Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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