She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
