her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
