EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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