mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
