well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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