I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Someone shattered a urinal.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
