Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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