I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
