seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
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He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
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You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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