since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
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You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
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I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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