someone get that fucking seahorse.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
