Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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