Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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