just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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