His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize