Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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