The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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