I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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