I just pynch a tree in the face
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
