I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
