Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
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she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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