Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
