insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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