im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
