Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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