I wish they made helmets for livers.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
