My first STD was from a foam party
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
