Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
