we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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