I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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