I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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