Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
