We named our party play list daddy issues
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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