I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Found your dick twin last night
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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